The Birthing Cloth Sep. 1994 (formerly the NEWS FROM DETROIT) EDITORIAL Steve Langer Oakland University sglanger@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Ultrix) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Standard disclaimers apply. In addition, the author makes no guarantees concerning the grammatical accuracy of his writing. Submitted text files must be in raw ASCII, compressed tar (file.tar.Z) or PK Zip format. Image files must be in GIF89 (or older), PostScript or compressed (see above) versions of same. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- On last month's Fix; Since no Fix was posted, this section will just be an excuse for moi to ramble. Compare and contrast the Clinton policy towards Haiti and the Bush policy towards Iraq. a) Iraq had the world's 3'rd or 4'th largest army (over 1 million men). Haiti has under 7,000. b) Iraq invaded another sovereign nation and was poised to control about 1/2 of the world's known oil reserves. Haiti's problems are internal and pose a threat to? c) Bush sought for and obtained Congressional approval, Clinton bypassed the Congress. Clinton will make a speech tomorrow night (Sep. 15) and claim 1. We must invade Haiti so that the U.S. is not seen as weak. 2. If we don't prop up democracy in Haiti, other nations will fall. 3. As U.S. citizens, we ought to stand for decency and democracy. Rebuttle; 1. The U.S. is not weak, Bill Clinton is. He has repeatedly rattled his saber in N. Korea, Haiti, Cuba and other places. American blood should not be spilt to save Bill's foreign policy credibility. 2. Does the term "Domino Theory" sound familiar? 3. Ok, let's invade (and save) Rwanda, Bosnia, Iraq, Iran, Ethiopia, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, North Korea, ad infinatum, ad nauseum. This week, Cuba's Fidel Castro voluntarily stopped the Cuban exodus to the US despite being denied his major goal of having the US lift its 30 year economic blockade against Cuba. Castro says he thinks Clinton doesn't have enough power to overturn the blockade anyway, so he (Castro) will save his refugees as a bargaining chip for the _next_ president. Since this clearly makes Bill Clinton look weak (and by Bill's logic the US) I guess we just might as well invade Cuba too (since it also meets the 2'nd and 3'rd points). I know some of you will scream, "C'mon Steve, what about the evil Ronald Reagen who invaded Grenada, or Bush's first year when he invaded Panama? They didn't get Congressional approval for those, you right wing, baby hating, racist, sexist, homophobic hypocrite!" To that charge I say; Grenada -- 200 U.S. medical students Panama -- A popular canal, used by some for shipping Haiti -- ?? Also, even Congress recognizes that some crises arise too quickly for a month long debate to occur. That is why we have the War Powers Act which allows a President to enact the Armed forces for up to 90 (or 180, somone can correct me here) days without Congressional approval. After that though, Congress must approve the money for continued military action. Clearly, the Haiti situation has been brewing for over a year and Clinton cannot use any "imminent threat to national interests" argument to justify his overuling of Congress. Bottom line. Clinton is invading Haiti because almost one year ago he sent a US naval ship there that was repulsed at the pier by about 50 knife wielding thugs. Clinton is trying to prove that he still has a penis. I hope the 2-3 thousand US civilians living there don't have to be harmed to bolster Clinton's manhood. A little war also tends to boost short term presidential approval ratings, and that such a boost will come just before the November elections is, of course, purely coincendental. On life: Somewhere in a large midwestern hospital, a young girl comes into the emergency room with her 2 male homosexual friends. They were on their way from Miami to see the largest shopping mall in the world and have a shopping spree. The girl complained to her companions that she was "having cramps". Half an hour after her arrival, she was a mother. She claimed she was unaware of her pregnancy because of her obesity. Meanwhile, her pals were down in the lobby, talking about their dilemma, when a middle aged woman (overhearing them) offered to buy the child. Two hours later, the men, mother, woman and baby girl left the hospital, never to be seen there again. That's life in these United States. On Cheezheads (part 2 of 2) by Michael Feldmen [Michael Feldmen is a Badger and host of the Madison based NPR [show Whad'ya Know? Why then, given the similarities between Minnesota and Wisconsin, do we Badgers continue to feel like Roger Clinton? Is it the fallout from believing for years that Lake Woebegone did, in fact, exist and that your children were more perfect than ours? Is it because Dayton-Hudson's doesn't have a store on this side of the Mississippi? What is it that makes us feel inferior, even though many of us live in Superior? Was it the arrogance revealed in the billboard that said "Brainpower State" that you put up right across the river from Hudson? Just who was that sign pointed at anyway? It may seem that we're oversensitive, but you've got to understand how much abuse we get from Chicagoans who feel that they've entered the Rain Forest if they portage across to Beloit (and their bearers refuse to go any further). We aren't inferior just because you edged us out on the SATs either, any more than you are because South Dakota fed you their dust. It's well known that such tests are skewed anyway. You tell me who the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory is geared toward. We dress casual here, so leave the Italian double breasted suits and off-the-shoulder dresses at home. On second thought, bring the dresses and their contents. The rule of thumb in Wisconsin is "wear whatever is clean". We never say "come as you are" because everyone does. When we say dress, we mean wear clothes. We like to visit the Twin Cities occasionally, but with so many matching sport coats and trousers we assume someone died, which sort of puts a damper on the evening. We don't have skyways so don't assume you can walk out of upper level downtown windows, but in Madison, there's as fine a web of steam tunnels as you could hope for and your welcome to them. In Milwaukee, there's a network of alleys that will take you anywhere and up north, just get out on a snowmobile trail and flag somebody down. [In general, we find that if we don't get out in the cold, our coats turn dull and we start to shed.] If you're 1/2 way between the equator and North Pole, and 1/4 of the way around from Greenwich, you're in the capital of the Northwestern World. Gesicki's Bar and Grill in Poniatowski, Wisconsin (go to Wausau and ask for it). From the world's largest ginseng fields, to the Garden of Eden (Biblical scholar Rev. Slyke believes that when Adam and Eve were sent packing, they came to Sparta). The world's largest talking cow in Neillsville, the largest talking loon in Mercer, world's largest 6-pack in La Crosse and the world's largest M in Plattville. Built by students of the UW School of Mines, it weighs over 400 tons and would stomp any of the "Hollywood" letters. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but goes to show how two can play at this world class game. If there's a place at the counter, sit at it. If you're with a group waiting for a table, don't block the cigarette machine. Don't ask to see a menu before you sit, it's not going to change by the time you do. If you're here on business, remember we don't "take" lunch, we "eat" it and we'll be happy to talk business over the fried ice cream dessert. If you're one of those health nuts that finishes off with fruit, you'll not only lose the deal, but a dining partner as well. For language skills, remember; 1. a water fountain is a "bubbler" 2. "ain a hey" is the equivalent of "mon Dieu" 3. it's a "soda" 4. if someone tells you to "come by the house", he's not expecting an offer. Wisconsin, the "Cote d'Azur" of the Upper Midwest, is an average of 2-4 degrees warmer than Minnesota and 360 degrees warmer than the darkside of Mercury so, you know, dress accordingly. You can get fish cheeks locally, but the best fish boils come from Door County, Wisconsin, a fact that so many of you have discovered that it's now difficult for a native to get into one. So you may want to head out to the deck with a kettle, 1/2 a cord of oak, 12 red potatoes, 1 1/2 pound onions, a pound of salt, 2-3 pounds of fish steaks, pound of butter, lemon, and a couple of quarts of kerosene. Since this is potentially a fatal combination, if you get into trouble, call a Badger and we'll talk you down. Better yet, come on over and we'll go out to the Avenue Bar. GUEST EDITORIAL We Need Guns Because we are Responsible for Ourselves by Walter Williams, Aug. 31, Detroit Free Press [WW is a Econ Prof. at George Mason Univ., a _Washington Post_ [syndicated columnist and a member of the Cato Institute, [a (eek!) Libertarian think tank. See if you can find the flaw in the following argument. Assume we own ourselves. If we do, we have the right to protect ourselves against those who would violate our self-ownership through agressive acts such as murder, rape or theft. Historically, private acts of agression pale compared to govt. sponsored agression such as slavery, purges and imperialism. This lesson was not forgotten by the Founders. T. Jefferson observed, "When govt's fear the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the govt., there is tyranny." He added, "The strongest reason for the people to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in govt." Increasingly, Americans are coming to fear their govt. We fear the IRS, which Congress has given the power to invade our privacy and require us to obey regulations that neither we nor they understand. Not long ago, an official with the increasingly terrorist EPA remarked that he longed for the day when a call from the EPA would instill as much fear in citizens as a call from the IRS. Then there is increasing fear of the Gestapo-like tactics of the BATF, the Fish and Wildlife Service, the DEA, and the Army Core of Engineers. Congress sanctions these agencies to violate major parts of the Bill of Rights and a derilect Supreme Court sits in silence or complicity. George Mason could have just as easily been talking about today's anti- gun movement when he said, "To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them." And who is behind this movement? Mostly, liberals in and out of Congress. They're the educators who propagandize our children, environmentalists who would like to trespass on our property with impunity, and wicked busy bodies in and out of govt. They try to exploit constitutional ignorance by claiming that the 2'nd Amendment applies only to govt. controlled "well regulated militias." The framers knew that at best, govt. was a necessary evil, but its tendency is to become an intolerable one. The 2'nd was written to give us a _fighting_ chance. With pious expressions, liberals ask, "Why would anyone need an assault weapon? You can't hunt with it." They expect the ignorant to believe that the framers gave us the 2'nd Amendment to hunt deer and get a little target practice. Before we surrender our guns, we should recall that history's most barbaric people were also gun-ban advocates. Adolf Hitler sought to ban gun posession by Jews. All over the post Civil War South, laws were passed to ban the sale of guns to blacks. Hitler and the Ku Klux Klan weren't fighting crime. They sought to prevent Jews and Blacks from defending themselves. Of course, the legislation didn't say that. I know of no evil legislation written in explicitly evil language, including the Brady Bill. [Where have you all heard this before? LETTERS 1. The long lost west coast branch office of the Kremlin checks in From: <"SCRIPTER.ANITA_E"@west-la.va.gov> Steve, I am very remiss about writing for two reasons, one, I am not as politically minded as you, (I basically feel like what is wrong with our government won't be an easy fix, I tend to believe it's going to take a major revolt.) second, there's nothing very funny about the L.A. area! Well here's a good one I came across: It's Those Little Gender Details That Get You by John Vorhaus, Special to the Times Here's my favorite tabloid headline of all time: "Angry Trucker Fires Five Shots Into UFO!" Here's my favorite tabloid headline recently: "Sex-Change Bride Used to Be a Man!" Now, unlike most of what I read in the supermarket checkout line ("Nixon Not Dead!" "Law of Gravity Repealed!" "Miracle Meditation Diet Chants Away Pounds!"), this story actually happens to be true. Earlier this year, during an otherwise amicable divorce deposition, a Palm Beach wife of 10 years surprised everyone in the courtroom (not least of all her husband, I bet) by announcing that, uhm, well... She used to be a man. She was really delightfully casual about the whole thing. "All my life," she told the judge, "I felt that I was a female trapped inside a male body. So I had a gender reassignment." Gender reassignment. She makes it sound so easy. Like changing from Sprint to MCI. Except if you don't like the service they can't switch you back for free. Still, I can relate. After all, for most of my life I've felt like I was a power forward trapped inside the body of a divinity student. Or a classical violinist trapped inside the body of a kazoo master. Can I get surgery for that? And will my health insurance cover it? (Ha! Like I've got health insurance.) Look, we all know divorce brings out all sorts of guilty secrets. Usually, of course, it's such stuff as "I've always hated your meat- loaf," or "Sometimes when you're asleep, I count your nose hairs." You almost never hear your spouse say, "I was in your high school gym class, dear." At least you hope you don't. And don't you just wonder how she kept her husband in the dark so long? I mean, I can vaguely imagine it in a one-night stand. People get drunk, things happen... But after 10 years of his-and-his hand towels, even the densest husband shouls start to get a clue that his wife has been (how can I put this delicately?) retrofitted. This guys not winning any awards for attention to detail. Maybe I'm being too harsh. After all, if women can fake interest in your golf game, they can presumably fake anything. As a public service, then, here are the Eight Warning Signs That Your Wife Might Be A Man: 1.Bridal registry at Pep Boys. 2. Doesn't make you channel-surf past wrestling. 3. Winces at the mention of John Wayne Bobbitt. 4. Doesn't care that Bambi's mother died. 5. Mixes whites and colors in the wash. Has the same blank look as you when everything comes out gray. 6. Can't program a VCR. 7. Thinks Hillary Clinton is a righteous babe. 8. Rewrote your wedding vows to read, "Do you take this person..." This is not, of course, the first time a man's been so badly fooled. A few years back a British diplomat in Beijing had an affair with a Chinese opera star who was not only a man masquerading as a women, but a spy to boot. Talk about your deep cover. Nor do men have a monopoly on stupidity. (Although, God knows, we do press our natural advantage.) Every now and then you hear about a women who gave birth without even knowing she was pregnant. Talk about inattention to detail. Meanwhile, back in Palm Beach, the outraged husband has filed a million-dollar fraud lawsuit against his future former wife. Not sure I'd go that route, million-dollar payouts notwithstanding. When you've been fooled that badly, perhaps the less said the better. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Governor Wilson says our illegal alien problem is so big that it should be considered an invasion. He wants the Federal government to treat it as such and increase our federal aid. They certainly contribute to our unemployment problem, but not too many of the rest of us are willing to work for thirty dollars a day. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyway, I thought it was time I contributed something to your News, so excuse all the typos (I'm the one finger variety of typist!) I find myself still homesick for good old Michigan. Don't see too many of those midwest values out here in glitzy L.A. And I used to think I was so liberal....now I find I'm becoming...oh no...A Redneck! Hope things are going well for you..were all doing fine. Toodles, Anita [Great to hear from you and actually, I didn't see any typos. [You may be right about change requiring a revolt, but I'll [try to get in a few laughs first. [ [And what do you mean there's nothing funny about L.A.? [Diane Feinstein came from there. QUOTE(s) OF THE MONTH Safe Sex: Labeling the sheep that kick. --Unknown OS2 is destined to be a very important piece of software. During the next 10 years, millions of programmers and users will use this system. -- Bill Gates, 1988 FIX OF THE MONTH "Baseball - if you care, what should be done to curtail the annual strike?" NEWS Minnesota; 1. Sep. 13: An interesting Govnr's race is shaping up. During the primary today, incumbent Rep. Arne Carlson whipped Rep. challenger Alan Quist. Carlson has alienated many Reps because he's pro-gun- control, pro-abortion, and has presided over double digit property tax increases every year he's been in office. Carlson successfully painted Quist as an ultra-right-wing religios cultist. [Strange what they call Lutherns around here. Washington: 1. SPOKANE, Sep 23: Tom Foley's troubled bid for re-election just received another blow: A post-primary poll shows Foley trailing by nearly 20 percent. A mere 39 percent of voters say they will support Foley in November. An overwhelming 58 percent are committed to vote against him. And a surprisingly small number - only 3 percent - remain undecided. "The poll's results refute Foley's own excuses for his poor showing in the primary election," says Richard Hartman, spokesman for Reform Congress 94, a Spokane citizen's group whose "De-Foley-ate Project" is leading the fight against Foley. "Foley has been attempting to explain away that 35 percent by suggesting that Democratic voters avoided the primary. Clearly, that was not the case." Hartman also feels the small undecided vote is significant. "Foley's record is clear," he says. "Foley has taken a stand against the people. Now the people are taking a stand against Foley." According to Hartman, Foley's slight gain of four points from Tuesday's primary can be attributed to crossover votes from discouraged backers of defeated Republican candidates. "There's always some emotional letdown," says Hartman. But he predicts that "By November, everyone will refocus on real goal: Defeating Foley." Foley's dismal prospects were confirmed by additional analysis of poll results. When split across male-female lines, only 41 percent of women and an even lower 38 percent of men said they could support Foley. "No matter how the numbers were run, Foley's support never varied by more than two points," Hartman notes. "That confirms the poll's accuracy - and commitment against Foley." The poll, commissioned by Spokane ABC affiliate KHQ-TV, queried over 500 likely voters in Washington State's Fifth District. Additional information regarding the poll may be obtained from KHQ-TV in Spokane at 509-448-6000. New York; 1. New York City, Aug 31: Women will now be legally allowed to ride the city subways TOPLESS. Yes, you read that right. About two years ago, representatives from the local NOW chapter sued for the right to attend city parks topless, claiming that it was discriminatory for men to be allowed to do so but not women. Similar reasoning was applied by NOW to win this case (although I personally have yet to see a topless man on the NY subway). An NYPD spokesperson said that police will still arrest topless women if "they are using their breasts to incite public unrest". [Ahhh, hmmmm. Wash D.C.; 1. Sep. 8, wire service: Reno: Employers Can Weigh Racial Diversity In Making Layoffs WASHINGTON (Reuter) - Attorney General Janet Reno said Thursday that employers should be allowed to consider racial diversity when laying off workers and defended the Justice Department's switch in a discrimination case. ``We believe ... it is important to make clear that diversity should be a factor that employers can consider in developing voluntary affirmative action plans," she said at her weekly news briefing. The Justice Department Tuesday filed court papers arguing that an employer should be free to use racial diversity as a determining factor in deciding between two employees with the same qualifications and seniority. Under the Bush administration, the Justice Department had supported a discrimination lawsuit brought by a white high school teacher in New Jersey who was laid off in 1989 so that a black teacher could be retained. But in the court papers filed with a federal appeals court in Philadelphia, the Justice Department took the unusual step of switching sides and now supports the school board in the case. ``I approved the position taken in the brief that we have filed," Reno said, adding that the Justice Department also had "regular consultations" on the issue and had notified the White House. ``I consulted with the solicitor general to make sure that there was an appropriate authority for our taking our action, and that it was done in a proper and ethical manner," she said. Reno said the department decided to switch sides after the case was brought to the attention of Assistant Attorney General Deval Patrick, who heads the civils rights division. 2. Sep. 21: Professional leftist whiner ... AHEM Unbiased journalist Daniel Shore of NPR just performed a eulogy for the Health Care Plan. It seems what with Haiti and all, Congress just won't find time to pass health reform this year. This despite the 'fact' that Sen. Majority Leader Mitchell (Dem, Maine) has a bill that he thinks will pass and will "guarantee coverage for 94% of all Americans" Now let's see. The 1990 census said we had about 275 Million souls in this country. Ninety-four percent of them would be about 258.5 million. Thus 275 - 258.5 = 16.5 million left uncovered Billary's estimates of those "who live in a state of permanent crisis" range from 35-63 million (depending upon how hard Bill bites his lower lip). That means the Mitchell plan would cover 47% of these people at best and 26% at worst, this after socializing 1/7 (14%) of the nation's economy. Somehow, Daniel Shore neglected to mention this. 3. NBR, Sep. 26: Sen. Majority Leader G. Mitchell officially declared health reform dead for the year today and, predictably, blamed the Republicans. "They may be a minority, but they have a veto, and they used it", said Mitchell in a press conference. [There's only one thing to do. Outlaw any party that competes with [the Democrats. 4. Sep.29: S. 349, the Lobbying and Disclosure Act, cleared a senate subcommittee vote today and will go onto the floor of the Senate next week for a full vote. What is S. 349? Basically, it will affect individuals or groups who spend over 10% of their time (and it is not clear how this number will be calculated) or $2500 talking to Congress people. They will be required to make a full disclosure to the newly created Office of Lobbbying and Public Disclosure. The required info. will include; - who did you talk to, on what topics and why - who works with you, their address and phone number - how much money did you spend for each congressional meeting and how did you spend it It is not clear from the language of the bill what this info will be used for, but interestingly, the Office of Lobbying and Public Disclosure will report soley to the President. Failure to comply will result in large, but as of yet undefined, fines. Texas; 1. Sep. 1, NPR: R. Travis, a teen aged boy, and his friend plotted the murder of Travis' parents in order to collect the life insurance policy to finance a trip to the Mall of America (there's that Mall again). After killing his parents, Travis apparently had a falling out with his friend and shot him dead as well. He was caught before he could leave the driveway of his parent's house. Haiti; 1. Sep. 27: Following in the foosteps of Chicago, Detroit and Wash. D.C., Secy. of Defense Perry has announced that the U.S. will buy back guns in Haiti, thereby producing the peace and love there that reigns supreme everywhere else the ploy has been used. Since the local Haitian currency is known as the 'gord', Perry has named the program 'gords for guns' Really. Net News; 1. Strange joke or real life? I haven't tried the phone number yet. 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We are, of course, grateful for any other assistance you may wish to provide to us. We are particularly interested to hear from you if you would be willing to donate a specimen to the Depository. Your support means a great deal to us. Again, thanks for your interest in the National Conservative Sperm Depository. Please feel free to contact us at any time with any questions you may have. Yours truly, Robert Porter, Executive Director, National Conservative Sperm Depository 1331 A Pennsylvania Ave. NW Washington, D.C. 20004 (201) 736-1792 E-mail: echidna@delphi.com 2. From the Cool News and Humor Digest at Midnight.com Michael Fay, the American teenager who was roundly thrashed for his misadventures in Singapore, is currently negotiating for the movie rights to his story. Following is the top 20 list of possible titles for his epic tale: 20. Lethal Whuppin' 19. Young Spankenstein 18. A Fistful of Hollers 17. The Lash Detail 16. Bang the Buns Slowly 15. Cane's World 14. Beat Yerassic Park 13. Moonstruck 12. Blazing Saddles 11. My Left Cheek 10. American Graffiti 9. Fleshdance 8. Buttman 7. My Fair Heinie 6. Rear Unpleasant Danger 5. Lashee, Go Home 4. For Whom the Buns Roll 3. Field of Screams 2. Bunsmoke 1. Sorest Rump %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet Subject: ABOI: REPOST! If Lawyers Wrote Proverbs IF LAWYERS WROTE PROVERBS: A mineral matter of various composition, when engaged in periodical revolutions, exhibits no tendency to accumulate any bryophytes of the class Musci. The pursuit and capture of certain winged arthropods of the order Diptera is more easily affected with the viscid fluid derived from the saccharine section of a plant and produced by hymenopterous insects than with dilute and impure acetic acid. Seeking a suitable place for dormant quiescence during the first part of the crepuscular period and forsaking such place during the first part of the matinal period results in myriad human benefits, including salutary existence, affluence and sagacity. It has been observed that an enclosing barrier for the purpose of discouraging and preventing intrusion upon that which it encloses tends to enhance the amicability of those whose property abuts said barrier. A plentitude of gourmand-satiating scullions tend to obviatge, obstruct, undermine and otherwise boggle the mulligatawny. The positive appeal of a visual object depends no so much upon the objective standards against which object is measured, nor upon the image said object records upon the optic nerve, as id does upon the cerebral interpretation of the image by that individual who observes said object. >From deliberative investigation it has come to our attention that certain Aves, if expeditious and precocious, will invariable apprehend a slender, soft-bodied bilateral invertebrate. Experience has demonstrated that the total aggregate of corporeal substances that may emanate transplendency do not necessarily represent an embodiment of precious metallic ochre. Bubbles of gas rising from a liquid contained in certain vessels of magirology to the surface of said liquid is a phenonomenon not witnessed by those who subject such vessels to searching scrutiny. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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